17 years. To the day.

I am spending my Anniversary reading.
A book I was given for free. About Marriage.
The title is Love and War. I was sold on the title alone. That would seem to be a pretty acurate description of my marriage. Love and yet, such War.

I am only 50 pages in and already I can tell this might change my life a little. Maybe a lot.

The main theme so far  is;
It can be done.
And it is so worth it.
pg. 7

Honestly I have had a hard time believing that lately.
If I, a relatively patient, kind hearted, giving person can't make my marriage work how can anyone else.

I remember the sun filtering through the windows: a beam of light falling across the table between us. But it felt like a wall of glass. I was on my side, he was way over there. It was only a foot or so, but he felt miles away to me.
pg. 9

I was utterly lonely - and to be lonely in your marriage is the loneliest feeling on earth.
pg. 10

Sadly yes, these are my feelings too. It's hard to admit. I like putting on a front and a painting a picture of having it all together. I can't stand for people to feel sorry for me. But years of not dealing with issues, which is exactly how I deal with issues, has left me feeling more alone and lost than ever.

I wondered if he even saw me. Something was broken. I needed comfort and relief and I turned to the Drive-thru to find it. Packing on the weight sent a message to him that was clear and strong. I am leaving you. You are not worth being beautiful for.

Okay ouch. Just ouch.



Marriage is hard, sometimes painfully hard. Your first Great battle is not to lose heart.
pg. 21

I am not much of a fighter. But I am beginning to see that walking with the Lord requires much battleing. And honestly I don't want to. But that's not reality. Just like any great accomplishment it requires a certain amount of fight to reap the rewards.


But here is where this book starts to really grab me.

I'll wager that 90% of the confusion, misunderstanding, struggle, and disappointment in marriage is due to the fact that we don't understand what God is up to.
pg. 31

Marriage is a rushing stream God uses to shape us into more loving people.
pg 43

He (God) lures us into marriage (with a complete opposite) and then uses it to transform us.
pg 48


I am seeing that this whole time I thought my job was to change and help and save him (my husband) but maybe it's been the complete opposite. This whole struggle we've been having is to change, help, and save myself.

Could God actually have given me this specific husband who has had some major issues and struggles so that I might be transformed. Learn to battle instead of hide. Learn to believe in myself instead of always doubting.

I feel like a light bulb is starting to go off. A light that the world would not recognize. If most knew the real issues in our marriage I am almost sure they would all say to leave him. But I just know God has to have a much better ending than that in store.

I hope to spend the rest of this weekend reading this book and hopefully will have much more to  say about it learn.

Anniversary 10

This month is my 17 year wedding anniversary. I thought I should do something in honor of that.

10 things about the our wedding day.


1. we didn't have a family church at the time of our wedding so I just picked a church near our home town that was beautiful on the outside and the sanctuary was big and beautiful too. When I told my future Mother in law about the church she started laughing and crying and said that was the church they had gotten married at 20 years earlier.

2. The Pastor of the church had gotten sick and was going to be out for a few months and in his place was a lady pastor. My future husband thought that was weird to be married by a lady.
Is that weird?

3. The morning of our wedding I had my hair done at a salon. I hated it. When I got to the church I had to re-curl it and fix the clip.

4. I wore bright pink lipstick. I still have that tube of lipstick, I only wore it that day and I can't seem to throw it away.

5. The dress shop forgot to put the hoop-like slip I was borrowing in with my dress and I panicked for about 30 minutes until I put the dress on and found out I liked the way it fit better without it.

6. My best friend was my Maid of Honor and my sister was my other Bridesmaid. They wore bright pink dresses, pink shoes, and pink gloves.
I really wanted to wear a pink dress myself but no one would let me. I did however wear something else pink that no one saw!

7. My future little sister in law sang before the wedding. She sang, Saved the best for last by Vanessa Williams. This song still makes me cry.

8. After our "kiss" I turned to go back down the aisle even though the wedding wasn't over and had to turn back around, the whole church laughed.

9. After the ceremony the Limo driver was threatening to leave because we were taking too long with pictures, we ran out of food at the reception, My husbands great Aunt fell and broke her wrist and the ambulance had to come and take her away, someone had grabbed my 5 year old nieces 'Blankie' to use for the fallen Auntie and there was a brief panic when we found out it went to the hospital with her, Our car's sunroof was open and birdseed was dumped in the car, a few of my husband's friends got overly drunk on champagne and started causing a scene, we couldn't find the expensive cake knife and server I had bought so we had to use this ugly brown rusty knife to cut our cake.

10. I still remember looking across the room after only being at the reception for about 2 hours and locking eyes with my new husband and it being like we could read eachothers minds. We were both ready to get out of there and be alone. And we did.

Things may not have been perfect and looking back there are so many things I would have planned and done differently, but it is still one of the happiest days I have ever had. Those details that don't go perfect don't really matter, it's your wedding day! That fact alone is enough to make it the best day ever.

Oh yah, today is my anniversary

I guess once I decide somethings a good idea, there's no stopping me. (hence the 2 posts in one day) I like the word hence. Did I even use or spell it correctly? And another thing, is there a spell check on this blog? Anyway, Today is my 16th Anniversary. I wish I knew how to get a picture from my photo album into the computer and then onto here. We are just so darn cute. My husband was only 19 when we got married. I was much older......21! I just watched our wedding video with my two youngest girls and they thought it was the greatest thing. They, of course, couldn't believe how skinny I was, and that I sure wore alot of makeup. I really didn't have that much makeup on, it's just that I only wear mascara now. All the eyeshadow, blush and the bright pink lipstick must have looked a little shocking to them. Did I mention how skinny I was? I can't believe I thought I needed to lose weight back then. I cried watching parts. When my little sister-in-law sang, seeing my Grama Helen(who is no longer with us), dancing with my Dad.........but I really choked up and one part when me and my hubby were just looking into eachothers smiling faces not realizing the camera was catching us......we look so full of hope and happiness and love. I wanted to talk to myself and say remember and enjoy these easy days together. I wanted to warn myself of some tough choices that would be coming up and tell myself what I should do differently. It was weird. It was also good though to see us so in love. That love is still there I just needed to see it so clearly, like it was in that video. Hoping that today when he gets home from work, I'll catch a glimps of that cute 19 year old and he'll get a glimps of that skinny older woman!