Thursday, March 10, 2011

heartbreak

I went to work at the beginning of the school year.

I really don't consider it work, except for the 5:30 alarm clock and the fact that I am away from home everyday.
I get to go to my best friend's house and watch her grandson, her foster baby, her niece who is also a foster child,and any other little rugrats I can find in the afternoons.
I love it.
If I didn't miss my own girls so much (they all 3 go to public school now...which makes me think I need to change the name of my blog a little bit) I'd say it was the perfect situation.

So, the heartbreak.
The foster baby is 15 mos. old. I wish I could post a picture of him on here, he is so adorable. He has huge brown eyes with the longest lashes ever. They melt me.
I've known him since he was 3 mos. old. I started watching him everyday at 7 mos. old. I started taking him home with me at 11 mos. old. I fell in love with him somewhere along the way.

A few months ago my husband I started talking about becoming foster parents. With the main goal being able to be a real part of his life.
But we just talked about it.
This week I've learned that he is leaving.
I wish I could go into detail about the reasons, but it's so compicated, I don't think I even get it. Ofcourse my heart doesn't want to understand it at all.
He leaves Tuesday.
Today he walked for the first time, like real steps all the way to me. He is a little delayed physically, so this was a huge deal. He was so excited and so was I that we both were just laughing about it, and suddenly my laughter turned to sobs.
In my mind the last few months I have been trying to picture him being part of my family. Which my whole family has fallen in love too. Even my husband.
And now my mind has to picture never seeing him again. My mind can at times make sense of the situation and see that it will be best. But my heart does not.

Why do some people come into our lives and just grab us by the heart, only to leave all too soon?
I'm trusting God with this. What else can I do.

Would you pray for this little boy, for whatever God has in store for him. And for my heart these next few days........

Friday, March 4, 2011

Back in the saddle again

Name that tune......


Well.
It's been awhile. So long that I actually couldn't find the italic button for like 5 minutes.
Found it.

I wish I had words to explain my absence, besides just being too busy. I actually have been extremely busy, but it's been more than that.
I tend to be an all or nothing type of do-er. I hate rushing through things and feeling like I'm trying to cram it all in. The blog part of my life felt like that for the last 5 months or so. I'd still open it up and peak into most of your lives blogs but rarely comment.
But I'm realizing that my all or nothing personality hinders me. It doesn't have to be that way.

I haven't talked to my sister in months. 
I've been busy and I want to give her my time and energy and a clear head and right now I don't have any of that. But maybe all she's needed is an I love you.

I haven't written here because I can't seem to have one inspirational thought that makes any sort of sense and I really don't want to talk about my life as I feel so confused about where I'm at right now. But maybe all I needed to write was a scripture for the day, tell you all to have a great day, or write down that small funny thing one of my daughters did.

I don't have to give my all, only what I have.

gonna go write my sister now. And maybe leave a comment or two.