heartbreak

I went to work at the beginning of the school year.

I really don't consider it work, except for the 5:30 alarm clock and the fact that I am away from home everyday.
I get to go to my best friend's house and watch her grandson, her foster baby, her niece who is also a foster child,and any other little rugrats I can find in the afternoons.
I love it.
If I didn't miss my own girls so much (they all 3 go to public school now...which makes me think I need to change the name of my blog a little bit) I'd say it was the perfect situation.

So, the heartbreak.
The foster baby is 15 mos. old. I wish I could post a picture of him on here, he is so adorable. He has huge brown eyes with the longest lashes ever. They melt me.
I've known him since he was 3 mos. old. I started watching him everyday at 7 mos. old. I started taking him home with me at 11 mos. old. I fell in love with him somewhere along the way.

A few months ago my husband I started talking about becoming foster parents. With the main goal being able to be a real part of his life.
But we just talked about it.
This week I've learned that he is leaving.
I wish I could go into detail about the reasons, but it's so compicated, I don't think I even get it. Ofcourse my heart doesn't want to understand it at all.
He leaves Tuesday.
Today he walked for the first time, like real steps all the way to me. He is a little delayed physically, so this was a huge deal. He was so excited and so was I that we both were just laughing about it, and suddenly my laughter turned to sobs.
In my mind the last few months I have been trying to picture him being part of my family. Which my whole family has fallen in love too. Even my husband.
And now my mind has to picture never seeing him again. My mind can at times make sense of the situation and see that it will be best. But my heart does not.

Why do some people come into our lives and just grab us by the heart, only to leave all too soon?
I'm trusting God with this. What else can I do.

Would you pray for this little boy, for whatever God has in store for him. And for my heart these next few days........

Back in the saddle again

Name that tune......


Well.
It's been awhile. So long that I actually couldn't find the italic button for like 5 minutes.
Found it.

I wish I had words to explain my absence, besides just being too busy. I actually have been extremely busy, but it's been more than that.
I tend to be an all or nothing type of do-er. I hate rushing through things and feeling like I'm trying to cram it all in. The blog part of my life felt like that for the last 5 months or so. I'd still open it up and peak into most of your lives blogs but rarely comment.
But I'm realizing that my all or nothing personality hinders me. It doesn't have to be that way.

I haven't talked to my sister in months. 
I've been busy and I want to give her my time and energy and a clear head and right now I don't have any of that. But maybe all she's needed is an I love you.

I haven't written here because I can't seem to have one inspirational thought that makes any sort of sense and I really don't want to talk about my life as I feel so confused about where I'm at right now. But maybe all I needed to write was a scripture for the day, tell you all to have a great day, or write down that small funny thing one of my daughters did.

I don't have to give my all, only what I have.

gonna go write my sister now. And maybe leave a comment or two.

Why? Why? Why?

I've spent alot of time thinking and rethinking about my first chapter review of Radical and although not skeptical anymore, still confused for sure.

Confused about what this means for me.
Living radical.

One of the biggest eye openers has been how the things I do relate to the building of the Kingdom of Heaven. What am I being Radical about and if theyll matter in Eternity.
I tend to get wrapped up in the every day things and the needs of people right now and not always see where a need may be for their souls.

When I read about Jesus dieing on the cross, in Chapter 2 (pgs. 34-36)
I had to stop and take it in. again.
I know why He died. Maybe lately I've just been focusing on and seeing just my own sins upon Him as He hung there. And believe me, my sins alone are painful to see.

He sweat drops of blood and begged for this cup to be taken from Him and as I read his words reminding us that it was about All of God's holy wrath and hatred towards sin and sinners, stored up since the beginning of the world, about to be poured out on Him, I saw and felt it. It's too painful to even imagine really.

Now Chapter 3 really got me.
On page 45 when he writes that we are tempted at every turn to trust in our own power....
ummmm yeah...that slightly describes me. and I don't like it.

But then he goes on to quote my life verse.
"I am the vine you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5

When I was first saved I read that scripture and the end is what really caught my attention.
I can do nothing without Jesus.
I can do nothing without Jesus.
I can do nothing without Jesus.

All the things I do that have nothing to do with Jesus or his plans......... are nothing.

So why then am I doing so many things?
Why am I worrying about so much?
Why do I care way too much about what someone else thinks about me?
Why? Why? Why?

See the still confused part?

Trying to apply this book to my everyday life is hard but I want to. And wishing I wasn't so confused by it. Jesus was not confused as he prepared to die on that cross. He knew it was going to be unbearably hard and wished it wasnt so. But He was not confused.
I don't want to live confused. I want to live knowing that there are going to be some hard things I will have to do in the name of Jesus and yet boldly do them anyway.

RADICAL by David Platt

So I joined Marla's read along, and even received this book for free because of some of her very generous friends. Today we are all writing our posts on Chapter 1.

I am a skeptic.
About alot of things. Especially though, when it comes to books about Jesus.
I don't easily jump right on the bandwagon either.
I like to be skeptical and question and make sure it's God that's doing the talking to me.

So that's how I approached this first chapter. And to be honest, I still feel a tad bit skeptical.

What is it exactly I'm feeling skeptical about?

it's not about being RADICAL, but more of what exactly defines being RADICAL.

Because to be honest I feel like it could be different for all of us.

There are times in the Bible where Jesus was surrounded by thousands of people. Even at times reading about John the Baptist it talks about the crowds from all over the region going to him. The sermon on the Mount gives a picture of a huge crowd.
So, was Jesus not being RADICAL in those moments?

Are my friends, who work 2 jobs each so they can send their 16 year old daughter to a far away private school for gifted children, who someday wants to work at a neonatal hospital saving babies lives, not radical?

Am I, who chooses to stay in a marriage because I feel Jesus is telling me to, even though the world would look at my circumstance and tell me I have every right to leave, not radical?

Is my daughter, who chooses daily to not have a boyfriend or have sex before marriage, not radical?

I totally get what this Author is saying and I do feel that beginning tug at my heart. I would love to right at this moment sell everything I own and serve His world. Only I don't think that's quite possible right this moment and I just don't want to feel guilty about where the Lord has me right now. I don't want to feel like works and doing things for Him are all He is after. Because I can't work my way into His arms, I can just freely come into them.

I am clearly only on Chapter 1 and I, like the Author, may just end up with  more questions than answers at the end. And if I sound comfortable or maybe stubborn, I'm not worried, because Jesus has worked around that in me before. He is bigger and I will remain open to what it is He may be speaking to me through this book.


What do you think? Am I missing the point already?

Do I just sound selfish and scared?
Be honest, I can take it!  :)

Head over to Marla's blog and see what others have to say about this book.

It's been good, but hard

4 days of school.

It feels more like 4 years.

These have been the slowest days of my life. Time seems to stand still waiting for them to be done each day.

My middle girl(4th grade) is adjusting well. She's had one bad day so far. They had taken a timed math quiz and everyone finished except for her. She was crushed.
I later talked to her teacher and told her about how upset she was. Her response was very comforting. She said that there were other kids who did not finish as well and that even if she was the only one who wouldn't have finished it would not concern her. This was just a small quiz to see where the kids were all at. She told me she felt honored to be her very first public school teacher ever, that's never happened to her before. She told me that my daughter is doing very well socially and is very polite and funny and she can tell she will have many friends.

I already knew this about her. Her social skills are not what I was worried about. It's the schooling part that has always been hard for her and she knows that about herself. We've been doing alot of praying about just being aware of it. Not worried about it.

My youngest daughter (1st grade) seems to be doing good too. She does not tell me a thing though and it drives me crazy. I get lots of yes and no answers, and I need details!
She is a little more quiet and reserved and I imagine her playing by herself at recess and not talking at all in class.
I did get to go have lunch with her on Friday! I was so excited that I forgot to take a picture and I couldn't even eat my own lunch I had packed. But I didn't cry when I gave her a hug goodbye!

Today is Saturday and I am so glad to just be home and relaxing, well cleaning, but that's like relaxing to me.
Except the part where I was cleaning the office, which has always been our school room. I wanted to take the small table out that the girls sometimes did school on. Last year, for my youngest daughter who was doing Kindergarten, I had taped this cute long piece of paper on the table that had the alphabet on it. When I started to take it off, I started crying. Big tears dropped as I kept peeling the paper off. Tears are dropping now as I write this.
It's been hard.
Questioning myself.
Missing them.
Feeling so out of the loop about their day.
Wanting things in our life to be different.

But I'm relying on Jesus each and every day.
And my girls have made me so proud as I've watched them handle this major change in their lives.

Here they are on the first day of school as I walked them to their classes and made them pose with their teachers!

A change. A big change.

When I started this blog, almost exactly 2 years ago, it was because I was struggling a bit with the fact that my oldest daughter was going to public school for the very first time. I had been homeschooling her for the past 8+ years. When her little sisters came along I had homeschooled them also.

2 years ago I would have never thought that I would ever even consider sending my, now 4th grade and 1st grade, daughters to public school.

That is exactly what will be happening tomorrow.

Our life has gone through a change.
Maybe I have gone through a change as well.

I am so overly emotional and sad and quite possibly a little heart broken about it.
I have prayed for our circumstances to change.
I have prayed for the finances to send my little ones to a private Christian based school.
I have prayed for the desire and strength to be able to do it all, work and homeschool.

And the whole time I kept getting more job offers and kept getting introduced to some amazing people who work at the public school.

In the midst of my worrying and crying, I do sense enough peace about it though.

I am scared that this is the biggest mistake I could make.
And believe me, people have told me that. Satan has told me that.

But I am reminded by God, that He was not scared when He knit these sweet babies together in MY womb. He saw this day already. He didn't do anything to stop it.

So tomorrow at around 8am, if your out and about dropping your own children off at school or standing at the bus stop with them or sitting down at the table at home with them I could sure use your prayers.