Saturday, May 22, 2010

17 years. To the day.

I am spending my Anniversary reading.
A book I was given for free. About Marriage.
The title is Love and War. I was sold on the title alone. That would seem to be a pretty acurate description of my marriage. Love and yet, such War.

I am only 50 pages in and already I can tell this might change my life a little. Maybe a lot.

The main theme so far  is;
It can be done.
And it is so worth it.
pg. 7

Honestly I have had a hard time believing that lately.
If I, a relatively patient, kind hearted, giving person can't make my marriage work how can anyone else.

I remember the sun filtering through the windows: a beam of light falling across the table between us. But it felt like a wall of glass. I was on my side, he was way over there. It was only a foot or so, but he felt miles away to me.
pg. 9

I was utterly lonely - and to be lonely in your marriage is the loneliest feeling on earth.
pg. 10

Sadly yes, these are my feelings too. It's hard to admit. I like putting on a front and a painting a picture of having it all together. I can't stand for people to feel sorry for me. But years of not dealing with issues, which is exactly how I deal with issues, has left me feeling more alone and lost than ever.

I wondered if he even saw me. Something was broken. I needed comfort and relief and I turned to the Drive-thru to find it. Packing on the weight sent a message to him that was clear and strong. I am leaving you. You are not worth being beautiful for.

Okay ouch. Just ouch.

Marriage is hard, sometimes painfully hard. Your first Great battle is not to lose heart.
pg. 21

I am not much of a fighter. But I am beginning to see that walking with the Lord requires much battleing. And honestly I don't want to. But that's not reality. Just like any great accomplishment it requires a certain amount of fight to reap the rewards.

But here is where this book starts to really grab me.

I'll wager that 90% of the confusion, misunderstanding, struggle, and disappointment in marriage is due to the fact that we don't understand what God is up to.
pg. 31

Marriage is a rushing stream God uses to shape us into more loving people.
pg 43

He (God) lures us into marriage (with a complete opposite) and then uses it to transform us.
pg 48

I am seeing that this whole time I thought my job was to change and help and save him (my husband) but maybe it's been the complete opposite. This whole struggle we've been having is to change, help, and save myself.

Could God actually have given me this specific husband who has had some major issues and struggles so that I might be transformed. Learn to battle instead of hide. Learn to believe in myself instead of always doubting.

I feel like a light bulb is starting to go off. A light that the world would not recognize. If most knew the real issues in our marriage I am almost sure they would all say to leave him. But I just know God has to have a much better ending than that in store.

I hope to spend the rest of this weekend reading this book and hopefully will have much more to  say about it learn.


mer@lifeat7000feet said...

Happy Anniversary!

I'm a big fan of the Eldredges and their ministry. They are the real deal too. I pray that you will be ministered to by their words and their jouney! DO NOT LOSE HEART!!!!!!!!

Mrs. Claus said...

Hey O Mom, I think a lot of your posts would be great to enter. I love reading your stuff!

Carpool Queen said...

Looking forward to reading about what you're learning. Marriage is hard on a good day, but it can also be the anchor through the bad ones.

Gretchen said...

I remember seeing Anne Graham Lotz at a conference once, and she totally admitted (love her) that at one point she was totally out of love with her husband. It was at that point that she got on her knees (I think she was in the kitchen), and prayed. She didn't pray to change him...she prayed for God to save her marriage. And He did. Because she fell in love with her Maker again, and that love fed her love for her husband. That was 6 or 7 years ago, and I still remember it. Powerful. Sounds like this book is along that same track. May He bless you and keep you. xxxooo

Mommas Soapbox said...

thank you for your honesty. I hope it felt good for you to type it. One thing I think is so huge in a relationship that OFTEN gets pushed to the side as we go about our daily lives is COMMUNICATION. It is so important to pray and rely on and communicate with GOD and it is also important to strive to communicate with our spouses. So many things can get left unspoken and then the hurt and anger grows from there.
Please know that you are in my prayers. No marriage exists without heartache from time to time.

Luv and hugs headed your way.

Stephanie (Momma)