Thursday, May 6, 2010

Mothers Day (part one)

Holidays are weird for me. Even small ones like Mothers day, well maybe especially Mothers day.
I know I am a grown woman and a mother myself, but some feelings from childhood stay with you no matter how old you get.

I didn't have a normal Mom experience growing up.

I was raised by my Dad with only brief, skattered visits on and off with my Mom most of my childhood.
She was a great mom to me when I was a baby, gave me lots of love and cuddles and breastfed me for a long time.
But the trials of life were hard for her. Sometime between me being 2 and 4, alcohol became her life. At around 4 she lost custody of me to my Dad and instead of that being the wakeup call she needed, it only drove her deeper into the arms of Satan.
Those next few years were painful I'm sure, for both her and I.
I really don't have any memory of that time.

She would eventually stop drinking and I became part of her life again, but it was never really a Mother and daughter relationship.
She was someone I desperately loved and yet always felt so sorry for.
She was never really there for me as a teenager offering sound advice or a guiding hand, yet she was there.

The thing that makes me so sad today is that she can not forgive herself. It's all over her. She has tried to live a peaceful life and to be there a little more for her granddaughters than she was for me, but I feel it everytine I'm with her.
Her regrets and her shame and her loss. Our loss.

I have shared Jesus with her tons over the years and she has gone from not wanting to hear anything I had to say to listening with her whole heart and wanting to believe what it is that I'm saying.
I know only Jesus can comfort her broken heart and heal it. My prayer for her is always the same, that she would come to Him and be able to look into His eyes and hear Him say "You are forgiven" and that she would believe it.

Happy Mothers day to the first Mom God gave me. I was knitted together in your womb. Your womb. May you never forget that. I know that Satan messed up our past but I hold tight to the promise of a better future for us, God is not done with this relationship yet. May you never forget that.

5 comments:

Mrs. Claus said...

This is such a sad story about your mom. I guess that's why you are such a great mom, huh?

Irritable Mother said...

Oh, yes, LORD!
You have taken the sins of our past, our present, and our future and nailed them to the cross. Because of Your sacrifice, because of the blood You shed on the cross, we are forgiven! Thank You, Jesus!
Thank You for saving O Mom from her own sin, and from the effects of the failures of others. Thank You for redeeming her from hardships and for making her into a beautiful woman and loving mother today.
Father, through the testimony of what YOU have done in O Mom's life - through the beauty You have created in spite of the mess - I pray You will speak to her mother. Please give her mother eyes to see what You have done. Please soften her heart that she may understand the power of Your love, and the scope of Your grace.
God, please cover this hurting woman with Your grace, give her understanding of Your great love - that she may be able to receive forgiveness through Jesus Christ. That she may enter into an eternal, saving relationship with You. That she may see in her own life how You can make beauty out of a mess. Oh, the power of redemption!
Father, please be steadfast in Your pursuit of her. Please woo her to Yourself!
I'm asking it in the wonderful, powerful, beautiful, matchless Name of JESUS.
Amen and amen!

Kellie said...

Sweet friend, thank you for sharing your heart.

This post is sad but its beautiful too, because God can take this hurt, and bind it up. He can bring peace.

It is hard to honor those who have hurt us, it is hard to not feel the sting of heartbreak on days that are supposed to be celebrations, but through Christ we have already overcome all these things!

I'' am praying that you're mom will have the courage to seek Christ - the Healer of all things - that she will accept His gift of freedom, and pursue life in Him!

Hang in there!

mer@lifeat7000feet said...

I agree with everything that everyone has said here. I believe God uses everything and wastes nothing...and he makes all things beautiful in His time...even broken, messy, tangled relationships.

Mrs. Claus said...

LOL! The dude at Sonic, walked right into my shot, wasn't that perfect?

He said, "Why did you take my picture?" I told him it was for my blog and he said, "What's a blog?" LOL! I told him it's a website and he said, "Oh, cool."

LOL! That was priceless!!