Going to try and update without any tears

I started this blog because my oldest daughter was going to public school for the very first time.
hence, the name of this blog
I just love using the word hence. I feel smart.
I had intentions of writing on here regularly of all we experienced in this new phase of our life. I didn't write nearly as much as I had planned. Most of the time I was just too overwhelmed to even write the simplest things down.

In 23 days she will graduate from high school.
How has almost 4 years gone by? I still remember clearly the first day driving her to school. I remember her outfit, how she kept looking in the mirror, how completely excited she was and how completely heart broken I was.

Family is coming from out of town. I'm planning a party/ picnic for everyone, including her best friend and her family, who decided to join us at the park and make it one big fun party.
There is a boyfriend, that I have never met, coming to her graduation and who has plans to spend every moment of this upcoming summer with her.
They went on a movie date last Christmas then he moved to Nebraska and somewhere in the following 5 months of talking on the phone every night, they became boyfriend and girlfriend.....

So. My emotions are all over the place. My parenting skills are all over the place too.
One moment I'm trying to hold on too tight and trying to make sure I get every single piece of advice, wisdom, Bible verse and on and on into her because I'm so afraid of what decisions she'll make and feel as if my time as being her Mother is slipping out of hands, like it's done, no undoing, no getting to let's just try that again.

Other moments I'm just like go ahead move out already, experience life, God will walk you through all the mistakes. I've done my job and I'm letting go like a well adjusted normal parent.

I feel like none of it is working right.

I thought crying baby, sleepless nights, terrible twos, fit in the middle of the grocery store aisle days were tough.
Well, they got nothing on parenting an 18 year old.


Congratulations my baby girl  to a beautiful woman.

My romantic Valentine's day

I have a picture to show you of what my hubs did for me on valentine's day.

Are you ready to see this much romance?...................

The dryer has made this awful squeaky noise for a couple of months and so a part was ordered. It arrived on valentine's day. Unfortunately I was also home that day so I had to help. I hate home improvement tasks.       And so does my husband. He has never repaired a dryer before,

but lean financial times require us to look outside our comfort  zones.                                                                                                                          

A quick  long google search provided tons of useless  useful information. After a quick long prayer that we would get through this without completely ruining our marriage  the dryer, we found the problem.                   

And I immediately thought we needed to stop so I could get the camera.                                                                                                                                        

I think we only argued  disagreed twice.                                                                                                      

And when it was all put back together and did not squeak, you bet he got a big kiss! Turns out it was pretty romantic afterall.

Goodbye 2011

I didn't really want to write this post. I wanted 2011 to just quietly slip out of here.
It was a hard year for me. A lot of goodbyes.
I wish it had been alot of good buys. Unfortunately I didn't buy much of anything, another hard thing about 2011.
Goodbyes stink. And hurt.

But as with God, when I start to sit and think about all the hard things, He gently brings things to my mind that were from Him. The good things.
And I see that maybe even some of the goodbyes were from Him too.

He reminded me of a lot of fun amazing things that happened this year. Things I will want to remember about 2011.

So, I'm stealing the year of pictures idea from some other bloggers.
Hoping to look back on 2011, despite the bad, as a good year and not just let it slip away.
I hope you too, can look back on your 2011 and see, through some of the bad, that the hand of God was on you.

                                                                           January
This is one of those goodbyes I was talking about. Saying goodbye to this little guy almost broke me in half. But when i see this picture and remember this moment, I laugh. Our family had the best time being in his life and he changed us. For that I will always be thankful and grateful.

         February

My oldest is not naturally outgoing, so when she came to me and wanted to do her schools version of a beauty pageant, I was shocked. But also so excited and proud. First things first, she needed a dress. Here we are shopping for dresses. She wanted big! This is the dress we picked. Isn't it amazing. This was one of the funnest days. Watching her try on all those dresses was like a dream!

                                                                           
                                                                                March
Of course for that same beauty pageant she needed a talent. We came up with her reciting a poem. One we wrote together about herself. On the back of her t-shirt it says, ME! Here is the poem we wrote:

So, I have tried many things in the pursuit of finding me
Wondering just who it is I’m trying to be

At first it was soccer which seemed really fun
But ya know what, all they do is run

Then I thought ballet would teach me some grace
Um no, I still tend to end up on my face

Volleyball was the next sport I wanted to try
But every time I stood at that net, I just wanted to cry

Track, around and around and around we did run
Well, I was ready to be done after week one

Tennis, well that was easy, it was all about the cute skirt
But ow, those tennis balls, they really hurt

And even though swimming is the sport I still love best
I have never had the honor of a medal upon my chest

Now it’s a crown on my head my heart seeks
But man, this has been a really hard 3 weeks

Maybe I should stop all these things I am trying to be
And just give myself time to find the real me

                                                         

April

The snow finally melted and we decided to go on a famly hike on our property. I don't get outside much even though I love it. Well, kinda. Here is my youngest having so much fun and our dog bringing up the rear keeping us safe.

                                                                             May
My husband and I celebrated 18 years of marriage in May. Seriously amazing. Marriage is hard, but we're not giving up. The girls wanted to try on my wedding dress. I'm still hoping one of them will want to wear it on their wedding day. My oldest tried it on and said Uh no. And I agreed, it just wasn't her.

                                                                            June
My oldest did not win that pageant, but her experience was one of the most fun things she has ever done. God rewarded her though, as she was asked to fill in for one of the girls and be in a local parade. So fun! That's her, in the front on the left. She is waving to her sisters on the other side of the road. I was the crazy Mom running along side of the float taking pictures. We call it Momarazzi.

                                                                             July

The 3 girls have all been a part of our summer swimteam for the last few years. My middle daughter is amazing at just about any sport she does. In swim she has spent lots of time on the 2nd and 3rd place podiums, but never the top 1st place spot. Well that changed this summer. Here she is receiving her first 1st place gold medal! (And can we just acknowledge the size of the girl next to her) Wow!

                                                                  






                                                                             August
This should be another one of the bad things, but when I look back at how brave and good she was, going through this whole ordeal, I can't help but be so proud of her. Although to be honest i hate thinking about her tiny little bone be broken, but it gave me sympathy for those Moms going through such more horrible painful ordeals with their kids.

                                                                 

September

Bitter sweet the first day of school is. After being a homeschooling Mom for so many years, part of me still hurts at not keeping them with me all day. I miss them like crazy every day.

Such cuties.

October

Thsi was so fun! I got crafty. This was an old dresser that I sanded eeewwww and painted and put in my 2 youngest girls' room. I just love it and am now addicted and want to do more.

               


                                                                      November
Oh my goodness. Watching my middle daughter play basketball was such a highlight. She is amazing and a natural. I wish I could have filmed myself though, as I would get so excited and loud!  Those are 2 words that do not usually describe me. My husband said I was pretty funny to watch and I'm pretty sure I looked a fool. seriously. But it was just so fun! 
She is in the white uniform and getting ready to switch hands and go right around that girl gaurding her.

                                     







                                                                      December
I love Christmas morning every year. This year my middle daughter surprised us by coming down the stairs in the morning playing Jingle bells on the flute. It was so sweet. And look at little sis holding the book for her. My favorite memory from Christmas morning.

                                                                        

So, lots to be thankful for that's for sure!

Happy New Year friends.

God Bless!

My baby is 8

Today is my baby girl's birthday.
I am trying not to cry about it. When your baby is not a baby anymore, your heart kinda hurts.

She was a surprise 8 years and 9 months ago.
She was a surprise 8 years ago, as another girl!
And she surprises me still.

She is the only blonde in our family.
She is petite (don't call her skinny because she hates that).
She is bossy, opinionated, and knows just what she wants. I do love this about her even though it tests me as a mom, sometimes daily.
She loves watching the things her big sisters do and wants to be apart of everything. This tests her sisters, sometimes daily.
She loves animals. Last year she talked her dad into bringing our dog to school for show and tell. This week she has been begging asking me to bring in our cat.
She has big beautiful brown eyes. Just like her dad's. But don't tell her she looks like her dad because she will get mad because he is a boy.
She loves to read. She has wanted to read her Bible from beginning to end but just doesn't understand why it's so long and she forgets where she's at and what she read already and then wants to start back at the beginning again.........
She wanted noodles for her special dinner. noodles. that's it.


Happy Birthday 8 year old. You'll always be my baby.

being thankful for family even when it's hard

Happy Thanksgiving.

Most people look forward to spending this day with family. Some we don't see but once or twice a year and it's so fun catching up, giving hugs and kisses, and seeing how the little ones have grown.

But sometimes it's just plain hard.

Sometimes your the only Christian in your family. Your parents or grandparents, your aunts, uncles, cousins the people you have grown up loving and respecting just don't get you.
They cuss, drink, say the Lord's name in vain, argue, bicker, make fun of you........

They're lost.

And it's hard.
You try and be the light of Jesus. Love them where they are. Not judge. Not preach. Not become angry yourself. Wonder why you even bother coming.

My prayer for those of us that may be going through this is that Jesus knows. He's there too.

Jesus had a hard time himself when He went home.
"Only in his hometown and in his own house is a prophet without honor."  Matt 13:57

May you see your lost family members as just that......lost.
May you see them through His eyes today.
May you be protected from the things that hurt.
May the Holy Spirit be upon you and the words of your mouth be from Him.

And those that have a house full of believers in Jesus, rejoice and be extra thankful today.

40

I turn 40 today. Sometime tonight around 7 pm actually. My Mom will call at the exact moment of my birth. The one constant i could always count on from her. It might not seem like much from a Mom but really it has always meant alot to me. And i know it does to her. She has always said that giving birth to me was  the one thing she got right.

okay I did not mean to make this into a sappy mom post.......

I really just wanted to share my Birthday with you all. All 2 of you that possibly will be reading this. And 1 of those is my sister.........

In honor of turning 40 I am doing a give away (giveaway?)
Maybelline's Great lash mascara (the pink and green tube) and Starbuck's also turned 40 this year, so that's my prize, mascara and coffee!

To enter:
Leave me a Birthday wish and if you are 40 or over, something great about being 40!


*** Contest closed. Winners were the 2 people that left comments...That's you Christy and
Mrs. Claus! ***
** But please feel free to leave me a 40th Birthdaywish and something great about turning 40! **

heartbreak

I went to work at the beginning of the school year.

I really don't consider it work, except for the 5:30 alarm clock and the fact that I am away from home everyday.
I get to go to my best friend's house and watch her grandson, her foster baby, her niece who is also a foster child,and any other little rugrats I can find in the afternoons.
I love it.
If I didn't miss my own girls so much (they all 3 go to public school now...which makes me think I need to change the name of my blog a little bit) I'd say it was the perfect situation.

So, the heartbreak.
The foster baby is 15 mos. old. I wish I could post a picture of him on here, he is so adorable. He has huge brown eyes with the longest lashes ever. They melt me.
I've known him since he was 3 mos. old. I started watching him everyday at 7 mos. old. I started taking him home with me at 11 mos. old. I fell in love with him somewhere along the way.

A few months ago my husband I started talking about becoming foster parents. With the main goal being able to be a real part of his life.
But we just talked about it.
This week I've learned that he is leaving.
I wish I could go into detail about the reasons, but it's so compicated, I don't think I even get it. Ofcourse my heart doesn't want to understand it at all.
He leaves Tuesday.
Today he walked for the first time, like real steps all the way to me. He is a little delayed physically, so this was a huge deal. He was so excited and so was I that we both were just laughing about it, and suddenly my laughter turned to sobs.
In my mind the last few months I have been trying to picture him being part of my family. Which my whole family has fallen in love too. Even my husband.
And now my mind has to picture never seeing him again. My mind can at times make sense of the situation and see that it will be best. But my heart does not.

Why do some people come into our lives and just grab us by the heart, only to leave all too soon?
I'm trusting God with this. What else can I do.

Would you pray for this little boy, for whatever God has in store for him. And for my heart these next few days........

Back in the saddle again

Name that tune......


Well.
It's been awhile. So long that I actually couldn't find the italic button for like 5 minutes.
Found it.

I wish I had words to explain my absence, besides just being too busy. I actually have been extremely busy, but it's been more than that.
I tend to be an all or nothing type of do-er. I hate rushing through things and feeling like I'm trying to cram it all in. The blog part of my life felt like that for the last 5 months or so. I'd still open it up and peak into most of your lives blogs but rarely comment.
But I'm realizing that my all or nothing personality hinders me. It doesn't have to be that way.

I haven't talked to my sister in months. 
I've been busy and I want to give her my time and energy and a clear head and right now I don't have any of that. But maybe all she's needed is an I love you.

I haven't written here because I can't seem to have one inspirational thought that makes any sort of sense and I really don't want to talk about my life as I feel so confused about where I'm at right now. But maybe all I needed to write was a scripture for the day, tell you all to have a great day, or write down that small funny thing one of my daughters did.

I don't have to give my all, only what I have.

gonna go write my sister now. And maybe leave a comment or two.

Why? Why? Why?

I've spent alot of time thinking and rethinking about my first chapter review of Radical and although not skeptical anymore, still confused for sure.

Confused about what this means for me.
Living radical.

One of the biggest eye openers has been how the things I do relate to the building of the Kingdom of Heaven. What am I being Radical about and if theyll matter in Eternity.
I tend to get wrapped up in the every day things and the needs of people right now and not always see where a need may be for their souls.

When I read about Jesus dieing on the cross, in Chapter 2 (pgs. 34-36)
I had to stop and take it in. again.
I know why He died. Maybe lately I've just been focusing on and seeing just my own sins upon Him as He hung there. And believe me, my sins alone are painful to see.

He sweat drops of blood and begged for this cup to be taken from Him and as I read his words reminding us that it was about All of God's holy wrath and hatred towards sin and sinners, stored up since the beginning of the world, about to be poured out on Him, I saw and felt it. It's too painful to even imagine really.

Now Chapter 3 really got me.
On page 45 when he writes that we are tempted at every turn to trust in our own power....
ummmm yeah...that slightly describes me. and I don't like it.

But then he goes on to quote my life verse.
"I am the vine you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5

When I was first saved I read that scripture and the end is what really caught my attention.
I can do nothing without Jesus.
I can do nothing without Jesus.
I can do nothing without Jesus.

All the things I do that have nothing to do with Jesus or his plans......... are nothing.

So why then am I doing so many things?
Why am I worrying about so much?
Why do I care way too much about what someone else thinks about me?
Why? Why? Why?

See the still confused part?

Trying to apply this book to my everyday life is hard but I want to. And wishing I wasn't so confused by it. Jesus was not confused as he prepared to die on that cross. He knew it was going to be unbearably hard and wished it wasnt so. But He was not confused.
I don't want to live confused. I want to live knowing that there are going to be some hard things I will have to do in the name of Jesus and yet boldly do them anyway.

RADICAL by David Platt

So I joined Marla's read along, and even received this book for free because of some of her very generous friends. Today we are all writing our posts on Chapter 1.

I am a skeptic.
About alot of things. Especially though, when it comes to books about Jesus.
I don't easily jump right on the bandwagon either.
I like to be skeptical and question and make sure it's God that's doing the talking to me.

So that's how I approached this first chapter. And to be honest, I still feel a tad bit skeptical.

What is it exactly I'm feeling skeptical about?

it's not about being RADICAL, but more of what exactly defines being RADICAL.

Because to be honest I feel like it could be different for all of us.

There are times in the Bible where Jesus was surrounded by thousands of people. Even at times reading about John the Baptist it talks about the crowds from all over the region going to him. The sermon on the Mount gives a picture of a huge crowd.
So, was Jesus not being RADICAL in those moments?

Are my friends, who work 2 jobs each so they can send their 16 year old daughter to a far away private school for gifted children, who someday wants to work at a neonatal hospital saving babies lives, not radical?

Am I, who chooses to stay in a marriage because I feel Jesus is telling me to, even though the world would look at my circumstance and tell me I have every right to leave, not radical?

Is my daughter, who chooses daily to not have a boyfriend or have sex before marriage, not radical?

I totally get what this Author is saying and I do feel that beginning tug at my heart. I would love to right at this moment sell everything I own and serve His world. Only I don't think that's quite possible right this moment and I just don't want to feel guilty about where the Lord has me right now. I don't want to feel like works and doing things for Him are all He is after. Because I can't work my way into His arms, I can just freely come into them.

I am clearly only on Chapter 1 and I, like the Author, may just end up with  more questions than answers at the end. And if I sound comfortable or maybe stubborn, I'm not worried, because Jesus has worked around that in me before. He is bigger and I will remain open to what it is He may be speaking to me through this book.


What do you think? Am I missing the point already?

Do I just sound selfish and scared?
Be honest, I can take it!  :)

Head over to Marla's blog and see what others have to say about this book.

It's been good, but hard

4 days of school.

It feels more like 4 years.

These have been the slowest days of my life. Time seems to stand still waiting for them to be done each day.

My middle girl(4th grade) is adjusting well. She's had one bad day so far. They had taken a timed math quiz and everyone finished except for her. She was crushed.
I later talked to her teacher and told her about how upset she was. Her response was very comforting. She said that there were other kids who did not finish as well and that even if she was the only one who wouldn't have finished it would not concern her. This was just a small quiz to see where the kids were all at. She told me she felt honored to be her very first public school teacher ever, that's never happened to her before. She told me that my daughter is doing very well socially and is very polite and funny and she can tell she will have many friends.

I already knew this about her. Her social skills are not what I was worried about. It's the schooling part that has always been hard for her and she knows that about herself. We've been doing alot of praying about just being aware of it. Not worried about it.

My youngest daughter (1st grade) seems to be doing good too. She does not tell me a thing though and it drives me crazy. I get lots of yes and no answers, and I need details!
She is a little more quiet and reserved and I imagine her playing by herself at recess and not talking at all in class.
I did get to go have lunch with her on Friday! I was so excited that I forgot to take a picture and I couldn't even eat my own lunch I had packed. But I didn't cry when I gave her a hug goodbye!

Today is Saturday and I am so glad to just be home and relaxing, well cleaning, but that's like relaxing to me.
Except the part where I was cleaning the office, which has always been our school room. I wanted to take the small table out that the girls sometimes did school on. Last year, for my youngest daughter who was doing Kindergarten, I had taped this cute long piece of paper on the table that had the alphabet on it. When I started to take it off, I started crying. Big tears dropped as I kept peeling the paper off. Tears are dropping now as I write this.
It's been hard.
Questioning myself.
Missing them.
Feeling so out of the loop about their day.
Wanting things in our life to be different.

But I'm relying on Jesus each and every day.
And my girls have made me so proud as I've watched them handle this major change in their lives.

Here they are on the first day of school as I walked them to their classes and made them pose with their teachers!

A change. A big change.

When I started this blog, almost exactly 2 years ago, it was because I was struggling a bit with the fact that my oldest daughter was going to public school for the very first time. I had been homeschooling her for the past 8+ years. When her little sisters came along I had homeschooled them also.

2 years ago I would have never thought that I would ever even consider sending my, now 4th grade and 1st grade, daughters to public school.

That is exactly what will be happening tomorrow.

Our life has gone through a change.
Maybe I have gone through a change as well.

I am so overly emotional and sad and quite possibly a little heart broken about it.
I have prayed for our circumstances to change.
I have prayed for the finances to send my little ones to a private Christian based school.
I have prayed for the desire and strength to be able to do it all, work and homeschool.

And the whole time I kept getting more job offers and kept getting introduced to some amazing people who work at the public school.

In the midst of my worrying and crying, I do sense enough peace about it though.

I am scared that this is the biggest mistake I could make.
And believe me, people have told me that. Satan has told me that.

But I am reminded by God, that He was not scared when He knit these sweet babies together in MY womb. He saw this day already. He didn't do anything to stop it.

So tomorrow at around 8am, if your out and about dropping your own children off at school or standing at the bus stop with them or sitting down at the table at home with them I could sure use your prayers.

Real

I was trying to think about what I wanted to share about from my family vacation.

Most of the things seem too personal.

My Dad's drinking
My Dad and Step Mom bickering and arguing
Step brother being very ill
Niece going through a breakup
Worrying about my sister, yet celebrating a victory with her
My oldest daughter missing her friends and pouting the first few days
My middle daughter missing her swim meet
My youngest daughter.........

ohhh this one's good.......

We missed seeing everyone last year. My step brother and his family, we didn't get to see at all.
My nephew is 16 this year, so 2 years ago when we last saw him he was 14. Boys change alot from 14 to 16. I almost didn't recognize him. And my youngest daughter didn't recognize him at all.

They are 10 years apart but have still had one of those bonds that just draws you together. He is silly and crazy and active and has just always made her laugh. She usually just wants to follow him around, and he has always let her.

When we first got there and I told her to go say hi to him. She would not. He was tall and looked so different and had a really deep voice.
One night as we were all sitting around together after dinner, and she leaned over to me and whispered....
"Where's the real Drew?" 

In her mind this boy we kept calling Drew was not him. It was like she thought we had given her an imposter. She wanted her real cousin. The one she remembered.

Everyone thought it was so cute she had said that. We told him about it and I think he made more of an effort to spend time with her after that. And it didn't take long, after she finally gave him a chance, to see her laughing and following him around again.

It got me thinking about my own self. The real me. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror or a picture and I ask that same question. Where is the real me? Or I'll look at my sister or my Dad and feel concern for them, but after spending some one on one time with them, I find them. The real them. That part of ourselves that is the real us. Our hearts, humor, love, connection. It's all right there, no matter what's going on on the outside.

God knows the real me. He knows the real you. And He loves us.


Inspite of all the family drama I did find myself laughing more about it this year. Letting things go that sometimes linger in my mind and end up causing pain.
I'm so thankful for time with my sister and special moments with my family.

Ahhhh Family....

Off to spend a week with my family.

For those keeping track;

That's my Dad, my Step-Mom, Step-sister Sister and her kids, Step Brother and his girlfriend wife girlfriend and his kids and her kids, and a half Uncle and his wife and their kids.

A week. 7 days.

My Sister and I are the only ones who have given our lives to Jesus.

This week in the past has been hard.
There is just so much baggage and family issues that were never dealt with and they all seem to surface somehow when we're all together. 
All my sister and I want to do is be a witness to our family of God's love, and it's hard.

So would you pray for us this week.
Pray that we keep our eyes on Jesus and that we're able to see our family only through the eyes of Jesus and not through our own hurt childish eyes.

Hoping to come back with at least one funny story testimony.........

My middle is turning 10

Joining the 10 on the 10th party.

And it's all about my middle daughter who is turning 10 this month!


1. She has been active since day one. When I was pregnant with her, I swore I was having a big football playing boy. She just never stopped moving and kicking and punching and rolling. But now that I know her, I know she was dancing in there.

2. She loves to dance. She takes ballet classes right now but recently has been asking about other types of dance classes. She is currently working with my friend's daughter, who was on the dance team at her high school, they are making up a dance for her and she wants to enter it into the talent show at the fair later this month.

3. She has struggled with reading and spelling, but she is determined to not give up. In fact one of her favorite things to do is write. She is very imaginative and is always making up and writing stories and songs. There are notebooks all over the house from her.

4. She is athletic and very competetive. Which is amazing when it comes to sports but not so much when we are playing board games at home. But she is learning that sometimes just playing the game and having fun is just as rewarding.

5. She is very laid back and friendly and easy going. She doesn't seem to be bothered by much. She gives in to her some what demanding younger sister alot. It takes alot to ruffle her feathers and make her mad. As I'm typing this, I can't even remember the last time she was mad about something.

6. She can worry though. And be scared. But she is often the first to call on Jesus and just start praising His name when something is wrong.

7. She has big beautiful dark brown eyes. When I look into them it's like looking into to her Dad's eyes.

8.She is overly dramatic a born performer. When the power goes out we often ask her to entertain us. She is funny and silly. I don't always get her humor but she can make me laugh like no other.

9. She's an outdoor girl who hates bugs. When she was a toddler and she couldn't go outside, she would climb up on the back of the chair that was in front of the window and sit and stare out. She taught herself how to ride a bike without training wheels at age 6 and wouldn't come in until she got it. She turns sticks into magic wands, grass into food, and blankets into forts. But if a bug gets too close to her she'll come running into the house in a panic.

10. She loves Jesus. She almost always ends her prayers with ....
 " Jesus please come back soon or let me come to you. I just want to see you so bad."

Happy Birthday my sweet middle girl!

A summer update of sorts and memories

The girls survived their first ever out of country camping trip extravaganza.

They did things like scour the tiny town for a store that had marshmallows only to get back to camp and be too scared to venture off in the dark in search of sticks to use to roast them over the fire.
So they improvised, taking forks and sports tape and extra tent pegs to make their own.

It makes me smile thinking about her someday looking back on that weekend.

memories.


This weekend is my the girls'  last swim meet of the summer.
Well, there is one more, but we are choosing to skip it and spend the week with my family back on the coast. My parents and my sister and step-brother's families and maybe even some more extended family I have not seen in a few years, since moving.

Some memories are just more important than others sometimes.


My oldest daughter took the written part of the driving test today. She also took it 3 days ago and didn't pass but we are not mentioning that part. She passed! and is chomping at the bit to take the driving test.
I am not.
I still have memories of her riding in the car next to me ( before the whole stay in the back seat until your age 12 law) using a frisbee to pretend she was driving too.

Some memories make you cry.

Apparently she thinks she can travel the world now

My kids are all on a summer swim team.
We've been doing this for 6 summers.

Ours is a little different in that we actual belong to a Canadian group, eh.

We are the only American team. It's pretty neat really. Like at all the swim meets they always sing our National Anthem for us.

It's kind of a World Peace thing happening in our small part of  the world.
2 Countries. 1 team.

So there is another swim meet this weekend.
It's far away.
No Hotels.

We've never been to this particular meet. It's far away and I usually am starting to get burnt out by this point.

Cue my daughter.
Her and her best friend and their other friend,who happens to be an assistant coach this year, all wanted to go.
Alone.

They came up with a plan.
Camp.
Pack their own food.
Check in with the other swim team parents that would be there.
Call home each day.

Somehow we said yes.
To Canada. 3 teenage girls.
And one is 19. Isn't that the legal drinking age in Canada?

Thinking I might not get much sleep this weekend.

We shared a moment at the airport

I got to the airport only a half hour early yesterday. I had the 2 little sisters and the best friend in tow.
We were denied access to go right to her arriving gate.
how rude.
So we waited it out along a wall right where she would exit.
The anticipation of seeing my daughter kept getting to me, as in tears, and I finally had to go in the restroom and blow my nose.

As I came back out I noticed another Mom standing by my spot.
She was crying too.

I asked her if she was waiting for someone.
"Yes," she said "My Son." and she cried even more.
I told her I was waiting for my daughter.
Which made me cry. even more.

I asked where he'd been.
She said he and his wife have been in China for the last year.

"I haven't seen them in a year!  How long has your daughter been gone?"

"well only 15 days  which seemed really long until talking to you..."

We both laughed.

But then she handed me one of her tissues.
And said "When your a Mom, 15 days is a long time too."

Moms. Sharing tissues. It's what we do.

Home

My daughter is almost home.

Her plane will be here at 1:03pm.

I haven't set eyes on her in 15 days.

When I try and picture her beautiful face in my mind you know what I see?

I see her little.  Her little chubby smiley face. Holding her little pudgy arms out to me to hug.

I have a feeling that's not what's going to be walking off that plane though.

Ok, gotta go. It's 6:20 am. Is that a little too early to head to the airport?

Desire and Despair

This was in my email in-box this morning...........


Tuesday, July 13, 2010



Life Without My Closest Friend


"Despair," wrote James Houston, "is the fate of the desiring soul." Or as Scripture says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" (Prov. 13:12 NLT). How agonizing it can be to awaken desire! Over the past year I have wrestled deeply with what it means to go on. God has come to me again and again, insisting that I not give up the dream. I have ranted and railed, fought him and dismissed him. It feels crazy to desire anymore. What does it mean to live the rest of my life without my closest friend? I think of Lewis and Clark, those inseparable wilderness explorers, how we cannot think of one without the other. Lewis said of his companion, "I could neither hope, wish, nor expect from a union with any man on earth, more perfect support or further aid in the discharge of my mission, than that, which I am confident I shall derive from being associated with yourself." I know I shall never find another like him.





But I am not alone in this. Most of you will by this time have lost a parent, a spouse, even a child. Your hopes for your career have not panned out. Your health has given way. Relationships have turned sour. We all know the dilemma of desire, how awful it feels to open our hearts to joy, only to have grief come in. They go together. We know that. What we don't know is what to do with it, how to live in this world with desire so deep in us and disappointment lurking behind every corner. After we've taken a few Arrows, dare we even desire?

Something in me knows that to kill desire is to kill my heart altogether.






(Desire , 22-23)
John and Stasi Eldredge 


Desire and despair. I think I knew they usually go to together. But what really got me was this line;

how to live in this world with desire so deep in us and disappointment lurking behind every corner.

How do we live this. It's hard. But the alternative, to live with no desires in your heart, well I would have to agree, it would kill my heart altogether.

And with your best friend by your side, like Lewis and Clark, there is no turning back.
I like that.
Jesus is to me as Lewis is to Clark. You can't think of one without the other.